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[12] Conqueror
Tentacle monsters (cumslurpus tentaclis, phylum Mollusca, class Cephalopoda) were once sea creatures, related to the octopus and the squid. (In fact, the octopussy, which is a cousin of the octopus and is named for the eight vaginas within its eight tentacles, is a direct ancestor of the tentacle monster.) Primordial tentacle monsters came out of the seas raping each other and whatever small critters they could get their appendages on, after the Chicxulub meteor impact scrambled their brains 65 million years ago, the dinosaurs having become newly extinct. No, Evolved. Their lust has continued unabated ever since. The tentacle monster's natural habitat is in Honshu, Japan, but monsters were exported to France during the Age of Disillusionment and the Age of Shark-Jumping, under Louis the Gloom King.
Tentacle monsters were first utilized by humanity during the brutal Reign of Cthulhu following the bloody period of the Revolution as a method of cleaning chimneys. Tentacle monsters were employed by Cthulhu-masters during the era to sweep out the ashes in crematories chimneys after the beheaded loyalists were burned. Jacobin commoners also hired the monsters to clean their chimneys as well.
However, on Christmas Eve, 1983, the famous Jacobin Picard family (the forefathers of the future Captain Jean Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise) was having their chimney cleaned by a tentacle monster when suddenly a fat man - Santa Clause - began to slide down the chimney to deliver the presents. However, due to Santa's great girth, he became stuck in the chimney, and the tentacle monster, unsure of what the hell it was feeling, probed in curious confusion. Needless to say, Santa's red snow pants, Barney trousers, and chocolate thong did little to impede the squirming tentacles.
After pulling out a ham sandwich, three elves, a subordinate clause, and this article from Santa's asshole, the tentacle monster finally pushed Santa out through the chimney and onto the roof. Clenching in bitter humiliation and embarrassment, Santa trapped the monster's squirmy appendages in his butt (although other sources claim he clamped his butt because the hentai-izer may have donkey-punched Santa). Throwing himself on his sleigh, Santa commanded his reindeers to fly as far from this land as possible, before daylight could reveal to the French his humiliation. The monster eventually came loose and fell to the island of Japan.
And the rest is history.
Tentacle monsters were first utilized by humanity during the brutal Reign of Cthulhu following the bloody period of the Revolution as a method of cleaning chimneys. Tentacle monsters were employed by Cthulhu-masters during the era to sweep out the ashes in crematories chimneys after the beheaded loyalists were burned. Jacobin commoners also hired the monsters to clean their chimneys as well.
However, on Christmas Eve, 1983, the famous Jacobin Picard family (the forefathers of the future Captain Jean Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise) was having their chimney cleaned by a tentacle monster when suddenly a fat man - Santa Clause - began to slide down the chimney to deliver the presents. However, due to Santa's great girth, he became stuck in the chimney, and the tentacle monster, unsure of what the hell it was feeling, probed in curious confusion. Needless to say, Santa's red snow pants, Barney trousers, and chocolate thong did little to impede the squirming tentacles.
After pulling out a ham sandwich, three elves, a subordinate clause, and this article from Santa's asshole, the tentacle monster finally pushed Santa out through the chimney and onto the roof. Clenching in bitter humiliation and embarrassment, Santa trapped the monster's squirmy appendages in his butt (although other sources claim he clamped his butt because the hentai-izer may have donkey-punched Santa). Throwing himself on his sleigh, Santa commanded his reindeers to fly as far from this land as possible, before daylight could reveal to the French his humiliation. The monster eventually came loose and fell to the island of Japan.
And the rest is history.
