Jokes thread

The scariest thing about this World War III starting is that we are on the Germans' side. They've never won a world war yet.
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Over 150 hurt and 35 killed in terrorist knife attacks in China.

They kind of makes suicide bombers look a bit like soft twats, don't they?
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There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman...

It used to be a Scotsman, but he wants to go it alone so fuck him.
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Destiny, Faith and Karma.

Spiritual concepts, or strippers in Liverpool?
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Carrots may be good for your eyes.

But alcohol will double your vision.
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The fellow inmates have said that they will respect Adebolajo's religious beliefs in prison.

They will help him in his daily requirement of being bent over with his arse in the air 5 times a day, while he screams for Allah to help him.
 
Jack and Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick her candy.

But Jack got a shock, and a mouth full of cock, cause Jill's real name is Randy.
 
The guy in Subway made my sandwich and then said, "Would you like any cookies? It's 50p for one or three for a pound."

I said, "I'll have two, please."

It took him a few seconds, but his head did eventually explode.
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The Sun has moved to deny rumours it is about to reveal the first English international gay footballer.

I think it's disgusting in the 21st century that homosexuals still don't feel comfortable enough to come out and admit that they play for England.
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How do you offend a Muslim?

Don't be a Muslim.
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Putin persecutes homosexuals in his own country, then goes and enters another country through the back door.

Very mixed messages from Russia.
 
An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
 
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