Jokes thread

I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I will keep you posted.
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I'm so sick of immigration in this country that I'm seriously considering emigrating.
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January 31st begins the Chinese year of the horse.

Just be careful of the Tesco special edition burger.
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Daily Mail online: "Earth's temperature could rise by more than 4°C by 2100, claim scientists."

Not at today's fucking gas prices it won't.
 
judgment-day-according-phil-robertson-duck-dynasty-demotivational-posters-1388610513.jpg
 
If a man says you're ugly, he's a mean bastard.

If a woman says you're ugly, she's a jealous bitch.

If a child says you're ugly, you're fucking ugly.
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Stephen King's son is also an author, and publishes under the name Joe Hill.

He was afraid nobody would take him seriously if he was Joe King.
 
So... Scientists examining global warming are stuck on a boat in the Antarctic.

Love the irony.
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My cock is so veiny it looks like Sylvester Stallone forcing out a shit.
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It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes, then die at the end because of their terrible driving.
 
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