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I guess Gwyneth Paltrow finally got around to listening to Coldplay... --- Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow are going to divorce, or as they call it: Conscious Uncoupling. In regard to child custody. Chris will come to collect their daughter on the weekends, or as I call it: Apple Turnover.

I can't wait for the Formula 1: Malaysian GP this weekend. I just want to see how many cars vanish going into the first turn.

Holy shit, she seems nasty.

Has anyone checked with Katie Price's gynaecologist to see if he's seen that missing plane? --- I hate when doctors asks questions such as, "Are you sexually active?" Depends on what you mean by "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years. --- How...

The guy in Subway made my sandwich and then said, "Would you like any cookies? It's 50p for one or three for a pound." I said, "I'll have two, please." It took him a few seconds, but his head did eventually explode. --- The Sun has moved to deny rumours it is about to reveal the first English...

The scariest thing about this World War III starting is that we are on the Germans' side. They've never won a world war yet. --- Over 150 hurt and 35 killed in terrorist knife attacks in China. They kind of makes suicide bombers look a bit like soft twats, don't they? --- There's an...

Jellyfish have survived for more than 500 million years without a brain. Now that's some really good news for the religious people.

Every woman is a feminist. Until the first swing. Then it's all, "You can't hit a girl!"

Woman driver Susie Wolff will drive in two Formula 1 grand prix practice sessions for the Williams team in 2014. She should do OK, there's very little reversing. --- Director Harold Ramis, best known for his work on hit comedy film Groundhog Day has died aged 69. Director Harold Ramis, best...

When someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

Why is racism still an issue in a civilized, globalized world? Because human nature.

Facebook. Letting you know what someone you never spoke to at school is having for dinner since February 2004.

What's happy and has tears running down both cheeks? Justin Bieber's arse. --- I always thought stories of prison rape were vulgar, harsh and distressing. Then, when I heard of Justin Beiber's arrest, I found myself smiling at the concept.

I've just invented a new word: "Plagiarism"

A four year old girl has shot and killed her four year old cousin in America. The NRA have said this tragedy could have been avoided if the victim had been allowed her own gun and was given the chance to defend herself. --- BBC Scotland has announced a new chat show based in Edinburgh. "Not...

Judging by the tributes it seems just the mention of 'Trigger' brings a smile to all our faces. Except the Duggan family.

I love the way that people complain about non-nationals taking their jobs. Good luck with your applications to become fruit pickers, toilet attendants and prostitutes. --- I had a lot of important things to do today. Fuck it. Now I have a lot of important things to do tomorrow.