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My Asian wife has stopped me using aeroplane sounds when feeding the baby.

"...but whatever you do, just make sure you keep them away from water." "What, Gremlins?" "No, Whitney Houston's family." --- When I die, I want my remains scattered in Disneyland. Also, I don't want to be cremated. --- Really, Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for...

People say that Steve Jobs died too soon. I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company's attitude to battery life.

Remember how white people rioted after OJ Simpson's acquittal? Me neither. --- One of the short-skirted feminists at work confronted me for making a racist remark. "If you were black, how would you feel right now?" she asked. "Like raping you", I replied. --- John Cleese has caused...

After the shooting of 12 year old Tamir Rice in Ohio whilst playing with a fake gun, the NRA has called for all fake and replica guns to be replaced with real ones in order to avoid any ambiguity. --- My date said I have to woo her before I get her into bed. So, I pulled out my dick, started...

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance. --- So feminists are saying Dr. Matt Taylor deserved it for what he was wearing? Where have we heard that before?

Raidou's (supposed to be) dead. Hence the cyber stuff.

Agreed.

My girlfriend was born on 29th February of a leap year, so I sound like a pervert when I tell people how many actual 'birthdays' she's had: Two. --- I fucking hate going clothes shopping with my wife. It's so embarrassing when she goes to the fitting room and doesn't. --- Toy manufacturers...

There's nothing to say until LR is out, I guess.

I decided to dress up as Maddie for the Halloween party. To make it more realistic, I didn't go. --- I was lying in bed with my blonde girlfriend last night when she said, "I think my boobs are too small, I'm going to get a boob job." "Hmm," I replied, "my hands are too small... what do you...

Apple's CEO Tim Cook has announced he is gay. Samsung's CEO is expected to announce tomorrow he is waaay gayer. --- I'm going to a Halloween party in Essex and needed a really scary costume.. I'm going as a book. --- Toilet roll used to be the number one item required to take a shit...

'There's been a sharp rise in sudden Dementia cases in men the last couple of years.' Sounds about right. That's around the same time Operation Yewtree was launched. --- Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months. I better wash my socks. --- Erm, so you are asking me not to tell lies...

Dafuq

We were so poor as kids, we used to look forward to strangers sexually abusing us just so as we'd get some sweets. --- A Croydon hairdresser has left his salon to join the Kurdish fight against ISIS. Wow, the lengths a hairdresser will go to in order to prove he's not gay. --- "If you eat...

First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." "What?" "Never mind." "What's the problem?" "Nothing." "Please tell us?" "You know what the problem is!" --- Poland are 2-0 up against Germany! They still need another 5,999,998 more to level after the first leg. --- A medical...

I got a free computer today from Curry's. "My wife's got a virus and wants a new computer. "I said, "Just buy virus software, " the assistant replied. "Why? Will it help with Ebola? " I said. Anyway, after the place had emptied I just helped myself. --- A bad workman blames his fools EDIT...

I'm not saying my girlfriend's fat but she contracted the flesh-eating Ebola virus and it gave up. --- My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight. I've got a good bottle of...

Too much serious business here. Could be Illuminati trying to get the funny out in an attempt to keep us down. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!!!i1!1!!